A Plethora of Hysteria

My last boyfriend had many sisters, half sisters, and stepsisters. He insisted on a family reunion which I was against from the start. What a pack of misfits. Cicada wouldn’t shut up, Rotunda broke my porch swing, and it was really hard to get rid of Remora. Neuralgia and Miasma gave me a headache and Candida and Chlamydia weren’t too appealing either. Rodentia, though cute, managed to gnaw through the main power cable, plunging us all into darkness. Hyena kept everyone up at night, and so did Ephedra. Not to mention that dimwit Cupola up there straddling the roof at 3 a.m.

Fistula, Influenza, and Trauma made extra work for everybody while Deliria and Phobia were needy and annoying. I could say the same for Coma, but at least she was quiet. Alfalfa, Chakra, and Yoga complained about Ganja, Hookah, and Tequila, provoking longstanding lifestyle differences (though I saw them slip into Sambuca’s room on several occasions). Urethra, Enema, and Bulimia hogged the bathroom which led to an abrasive altercation with Loofah. Tempura, Polenta, Tostada, and Lasagna joined forces with Spatula but even they were not safe from Granola’s snippy barbs.

As usual, there was bad blood between Piranha and Scuba. Polka aggravated Rumba, Magma and Tundra bickered, Siesta detested Tuba and who could blame her. Vanilla was a bore. Barista was so bloody perky that she finally woke up Inertia, causing second-degree burns to poor Stigma who was standing nearby. Amnesia was useless. Sepia looked so old! Academia and Diploma were always bragging and Replica was a complete phony. Pagoda was OK but Dogma, Myopia, and Propaganda were nothing but trouble. I do not wish to speak of Placenta. I was jealous of Lycra, distrustful of Nirvana, and mystified by Enigma. Only Charisma and Stamina didn’t attend—claimed they were out of the country. I should’ve done the same.

It didn’t end well. Junta, Militia, and Armada finally settled the conflicts—with Beretta. I am so done with reunions.

17 responses to “A Plethora of Hysteria

  1. And I am so laughing! I got all the way down to Miasma before I started blinking and thinking, “What? WHAT?” What a marvelous, creative piece. And what a great way to describe the dynamics we’ve all known, at one time or another.

    So good to see you. Best wishes for the New Year – no matter which of this crew comes clomping through to try and wreak havoc!

  2. Very funny, a great way to start 2014 – thanks.

  3. Thankfully the misfits on either side of my family are somewhat spread out, and most of us are too old at this point to want to see much of each other. Especially not Hoarder which, by the way is not a metaphor.

  4. Very clever! I know some of those people!

  5. My sisters Cobra and Mamba would fit right in.

  6. An amazing piece Debra!! Fab read! Have you seen the new Sherlock yet?

    • Thanks Ms. G. Sherlockmania–that would be me! I’ve been trying to follow how I can watch it here (no satellite TV or anything). I see it’s downloadable from a streaming site, but I’m going to wait for the DVD or a quality stream. DVDs can be preordered in UK but not here, people say the platform is slightly different–is that true? Anyway I can’t wait, and I have to say the massive interest in such a brilliant series is encouraging for the western world! Did you love it?

  7. You are one of the most hilarious writers that I have ever read. I couldn’t stop laughing while I was reading. Just wondering how you come up with these? Splendid!

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