Metaphorical Monkey Business

This is an exercise in taking familiar words and idioms and misinterpreting them for pure silliness.

I had this lousy set of crayons as a kid, I think they were Crapolas. Later when I was getting my driver’s permit, my father would yell, this isn’t accelerated learning! My grandmother’s adult children still live with her but how the hell does she deal with their diapers? I sent her a nanogram but she claims she didn’t see it.

I used to watch TV but it’s nothing but a commercial vehicle—now I’m part of the ad lib movement. Plus the news crawl was hard on my knees.

I put the labcoat on my load-bearing dog and let him out first thing for active duty. Later we went swimming but when I found myself locked out of my car I realized I would have to go back and do the keystroke. I’m totally against the bear market. Who knows what people will do with them?

My friend always wanted to go on a crash diet, and she did when she hit a moving van. She lost some body parts, but at least she’s a chopped liver. She claimed foggy weather, but the only pea soup we could find was in her lap. Of course, every time my friend tells a story I have to act as a claims adjuster.

I ended up in the afterworld much sooner than I thought when I lost my job. The only action figures I have are the ones rapidly declining in my checkbook, and they’re collector’s items. I know all about microfinancing. I bought a pair of shoes at the thrift shop, oh the agony of defeat. I was looking for something to press my groovy new pleated skirt, but all I could find was a corrugated iron. Should work fine.

So I go down to the cereal bar, but did I really need a counter-demonstration? The place was dirty, too, the barflies were disgusting. I tried to tell the bouncer about my shameful life. He thanked me for my honesty but said that wasn’t what they meant by free admission.

I flipped for this light-fingered old Navy Seal. He barked at me that we’d make out like a bandit, I said first go take a bath then you can steal my heart. He wanted me to be his staff sergeant but I said I don’t want to get pregnant…he said don’t worry, I no longer have able-bodied seaman. Once when he got sick he couldn’t afford to go to the regular hospital so they sent him to Adjutant General. Now our idea of a dirty weekend is wallowing in the muck fixing stuff—houses around here are built of construction paper. Our neighbor’s house caught on fire because of a death match—naturally I have burning questions.

The bull in the road was about a calf-length away from my car and wouldn’t move. Jeez, what an air horn!

Here’s hoping the stream flowing through your neighborhood isn’t an alimentary canal.

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21 responses to “Metaphorical Monkey Business

  1. A buddy once said, “We were in the hospital, visiting her mother, when we thought we’d go up to the Infantry to see all the babies…”

    • Ha ha! Glad you didn’t abort the mission. Phew, I’ll bet it was an air offensive. Hope the nurses didn’t booby trap you.

      Where the heck have you been? Good to hear from you!

  2. I laughed my way through this. Great writing. Thank you!

  3. Oh boy was this a fun read! Love to start the day with a good laugh! Thanks!

  4. I went to see the rockettes doing the nutcracker suite at home, but the nanobots raided my joint. I tried to tell them it was legal, but they said it wasn’t doable, since i had too much caffeine in my system, and anyway, i was in a no-fly zone and didn’t call in arnold to exterminate first.

    i tried to sue em in court, but they made me take a flea bargain, which violated the no-fly zone again. i was forced to take it on the lam, but lost my shirt in the laminating machine market.

  5. I haven’t seen this many one liners since a skit by Rodney Dangerfield. How did you think of all these? My personal favorite “I was looking for something to press my groovy new pleated skirt, but all I could find was a corrugated iron. Should work fine.” Now that’s funny!

    Thanks Debra. I needed a good laugh today and you have certainly done that!

  6. Wow – I am very impressed. How long did that take you to write? I could never do anything that intricate and intelligent.
    I laughed and gasped throughout. This is sheer brilliance:
    “I used to watch TV but it’s nothing but a commercial vehicle—now I’m part of the ad lib movement. Plus the news crawl was hard on my knees.”
    Wow.

  7. This piece was amazing. How did you come up with this stuff? Adjutant General Hospital. Too much. “The only action figures I have are the ones rapidly declining in my checkbook….” I’m still amazed at how it flowed in all its absurdity. Thanks.

    • Thanks! I stay up too late when I have dictionary work and sometimes it makes me punchy. Belting a dictionary is just plain dumb as it already has a jacket. So the glob bares the burnt. I mean the blog bears the brunt…see? Fatigue. Thanks for writing!

  8. WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (panting) wait wait i got this im ok WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. This post was awesome. More awesome; I actually got the jokes. Great job, you scribbla and bekind are so inspirational. I probably wouldn’t have kept on writing if it wasn’t for you guys. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

  9. I’d take my hat off to you, Debra if I wore one. A sustained inventive play on puns and one-liners [‘oh the agony of defeat’ ] . A great catchy title. It would have been hard to put an image up for this one. I laughed and groaned a great deal. Much fun.

    • Thanks J Leo! You know that feeling of working on a piece and then you can’t let it go? Now with everything I read or say I’m distracted thinking about double meanings! I’m sure it will pass…uh oh…

  10. I couldn’t do this if my life depended on it. Well done. I envy your skill.

    • Thanks Kay. I couldn’t write a decent piece of fiction much less a book if my life depended on it. I can’t even make up a character unless it’s me. It’s you guys that have the true skill.

  11. This was a wonderful ride. My mouth was open the whole way, gathering barflies. Great write.

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