This is an exercise in taking familiar words and idioms and misinterpreting them for pure silliness.
I had this lousy set of crayons as a kid, I think they were Crapolas. Later when I was getting my driver’s permit, my father would yell, this isn’t accelerated learning! My grandmother’s adult children still live with her but how the hell does she deal with their diapers? I sent her a nanogram but she claims she didn’t see it.
I used to watch TV but it’s nothing but a commercial vehicle—now I’m part of the ad lib movement. Plus the news crawl was hard on my knees.
I put the labcoat on my load-bearing dog and let him out first thing for active duty. Later we went swimming but when I found myself locked out of my car I realized I would have to go back and do the keystroke. I’m totally against the bear market. Who knows what people will do with them?
My friend always wanted to go on a crash diet, and she did when she hit a moving van. She lost some body parts, but at least she’s a chopped liver. She claimed foggy weather, but the only pea soup we could find was in her lap. Of course, every time my friend tells a story I have to act as a claims adjuster.
I ended up in the afterworld much sooner than I thought when I lost my job. The only action figures I have are the ones rapidly declining in my checkbook, and they’re collector’s items. I know all about microfinancing. I bought a pair of shoes at the thrift shop, oh the agony of defeat. I was looking for something to press my groovy new pleated skirt, but all I could find was a corrugated iron. Should work fine.
So I go down to the cereal bar, but did I really need a counter-demonstration? The place was dirty, too, the barflies were disgusting. I tried to tell the bouncer about my shameful life. He thanked me for my honesty but said that wasn’t what they meant by free admission.
I flipped for this light-fingered old Navy Seal. He barked at me that we’d make out like a bandit, I said first go take a bath then you can steal my heart. He wanted me to be his staff sergeant but I said I don’t want to get pregnant…he said don’t worry, I no longer have able-bodied seaman. Once when he got sick he couldn’t afford to go to the regular hospital so they sent him to Adjutant General. Now our idea of a dirty weekend is wallowing in the muck fixing stuff—houses around here are built of construction paper. Our neighbor’s house caught on fire because of a death match—naturally I have burning questions.
The bull in the road was about a calf-length away from my car and wouldn’t move. Jeez, what an air horn!
Here’s hoping the stream flowing through your neighborhood isn’t an alimentary canal.