Cosmic Effluvium

I met Planchette in a pasture where we were both staring at goats—he was hoping for some new kidskin gloves, I just wanted to snap a few photos. He claimed we met by coincidence but I realize now how random encounters are much more certain to occur when one person is stalked. Next thing I know we’re speaking in tongues and he was laying hands on me. Much was made of his expertise in touch therapy, but he was your basic medium. Planchette put the sham in shamanic healing and taught me the true meaning of mentalism.

I experienced a vision of life reincarnated but it turned out I just needed stronger glasses. His approach to our relationship was holistic—he wanted comprehensive possession. I made the mistake of mocking his new-age views so he insisted I submit to past-life regression—now I’m channeling a two-year-old. He promised we’d transmigrate to an oracle of divine relocation but instead I landed in a near-death experience.  His audible frequencies usually put me in a somnambulistic trance and teleported me to a higher unconsciousness, and he was always mad that I didn’t return his telepathic voice mails. Sometimes I’d turn ghostly white and start scrying.

Planchette boasted he was certified with the Countrywide Collusion of Simulated Psychics. We’d often hand out coupons for free dream interpretation via text messaging, then direct them to his website where he sold shamanic healing kits. The kits included tiny drums, rattles, his new CD The Dronings of Our Ancestors, some mild stimulants, and a package of Kleenex, all assembled in a handy carrying case for the paranormal price of $189.95.

It’s true he had a hypnotic effect on me but thank goodness I was fine once the narcotics wore off. I intuited I was in the gateway, maybe even the vestibule, of a psychic disturbance so I sat down to engage in some automatic writing, but what came out bent my pen. Next time I feel the need for an astral projection I think I’ll just stay home.

12 responses to “Cosmic Effluvium

  1. You know what l love? that your comedic posts unite us very different people from around the world – it’s funny, sexy, smart and makes us feel like we are part of the story (in our own weird ways). Keep them coming! I go into Anatomical Liberation when I read your stuff.

    • Hi McCloud, thanks. I actually had a recent experience with a jealous, arrogant, and dreary “healer” so maybe we all know someone like this.

      I’m not sure what anatomical liberation is, but I’m sure it could be an expensive new therapy.

  2. Oh, my. This is just funny. Your phrase, “he was always mad that I didn’t return his telepathic voice mails” reminded me of my dear, departed mother, who always expected that I would know exactly what she was thinking without her having to resort to the use of actual words.

    We’ve got a local group called the Flying Fish Sailors who did a marvelous take-off called “Peaceful Warrior”. I did a quick search and can’t find it online anywhere – it is from 1988 or so. If I can find the song or even the lyrics, I’ll send them along. They’re funny in the same way this is funny.

  3. I’m afraid I’m not smart enough to understand half of this. Or maybe it’s just because you’re closer to Sedona?

    And… scrying. Wow. That’s a word?

    • That’s OK. I had an annoying encounter with a ‘shamanic healer with visions’ this weekend and spent a very enjoyable hour or two researching the subject. Maybe some of them are for real, I honestly don’t know, but I sure did learn a lot about the scammer side. Healer my ass, this one did nothing but harm.

  4. It’s usually the drugs. Or lack thereof. Kind of like “speaking to God”, “hearing voices” …all that?
    2000 years ago they were called ‘prophets’ . Nowadays they’re just nuts.
    Nothing a good dose of chlorpromazine wouldn’t sort out. (that’s an oldie but goodie….well, not really) That and maybe a padded cell?

    Hopefully he didn’t get your 189 bucks. That woulda sucked.

    • Hi Bob, I didn’t hire the ‘healer’. This one was a stranger to me but managed to meddle and start drama from across the country via e-mail. Gosh they do take themselves seriously, and have no sense of humor. There’s no point in me doing battle with someone so insignificant, much healthier to have some fun with a post! Thanks for writing.

  5. Hey, I’ve met that guy! This was another very funny post. It brightened my day. I have to admit that I was surprised you didn’t respond to the message I sent via the ionosphere! This works better.

  6. Glad you have returned from the ass-tral plane, Deb! LOL. This post reminded me of a commercial I saw from a spa in Santa Fe, NM. It advertised something call the “full shamanic experience” and involved scantily clad masseuses in a sweaty, oily environment.
    The first thought that popped into my head was -“So THAT’S what they call it nowadays!!!!”

  7. Hi Harry, good to see you back! There are many ways to heal the sagging spirit, we must each find the path that makes us the most money…

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