lividia.lapsus@chronic.com
8/20/12 4:20 p.m.
Dear Mr. DeStickler,
I am writhing to applify for the poofreader position you have adversitized in Obscure Jobs Monthly. I overstand you seek a detailed person—I pay acension to many details and would be happy to provoke you with a list. The requireships for this deployment and my commandeering use of linguage are a perfect match.
Let me be a blunt. I am very dispendable and pried myself on being resluts-oriented. I am self-deficient and dipsomatic with a divisive backgrowned in fending misteaks. I aslo have execrable communicable skills, deadication, and always finish what I star
My bong-term experience in the wirting world has taught me how impotent it is to be articular in educationable pubications.
I look to forwarding an intervention with you soon.
Sincerably yours,
Lividia Lapsus
____________________________________________________
lividia.lapsus@chronic.com
8/20/12 4:25 p.m.
Dear Mr. DeStickler,
I just relized I flailed to detach my resume. I am currently quality control manger at a despinrady in Arizona. I mean dinspedary, no that’s not right…depinsnary? Wait, dispensary. See how I checked the spelling? Dude please. I need a new job.
Thank you in advants for your consinderation.
Lividia
Find an Outlet 
You had me laughing. Great post.
Tanks!
Thats a grate poast today!
Gald you injoyed it, Marha!
The sad reality is that this may not be the worst letter an employer might receive. LOL!
True, but at least she didn’t use the word “utilize”!
Having received resumes from people from time to time, this is less exaggerated than you’d think! It is hilarious.
Tanks to u for provoking uce withh thice!
Harry, I too have received resumes one step away from delusion…and you should see our local paper!
Did you just drive a spike in a few foreheads? Cone heads are deflating around the world. Drives home your point with extreme prejudice, I’ve said it once before and I’ll say it again, ‘no one writes as purrrrrrrrrrty as you with a sledge hammer’. Maybe Lividia should apply for the position of Cup Dispenser.
Dear Lividia; I like mistakes medium to medium rare.
Ha ha Hudson—or a soap, scotch tape, or Slurpee dispenser! I think everyone should send their resumes to me first, I’ll flambé those misteaks until they’re well done!
ur hired, *t mon. n brng yr dxNre,
Hi Thomas, do people text their cover letters now? Now that would sure whitewash a world of pretense!
My strategy: “I have a tremendous variety of skills except in the communication area. As long as I don’t have to talk or write or listen, I am the one for the job!!!!
LOL Carl…I’d hire you any day!
That is brilliant!
Oh man. I’m so glad I haven’t had to hire anyone in over 25 years. I can only imagine.
Nowadays the bosses themselves don’t know any better either. I think success can now be measured in aggression rather than intelligence.
It’s harder than you think to intentionally misuse grammar and spell badly, so here we goes!
Deer Mr. DeStickler,
I is an expereenced labradory teknishan, and have worked for the Amarikan Read Cros and for privat companeese as well. I am scilled in vareus labradory teknikes an am hard werker.
I have also sent mi resume (in the UK we call it a CV wich stands for Curricu, no wait, Cerriculam Vitay, no, that’s not it either, Currrikulem Veetay, oh shit… Well, I sent that as well.
Dear Mr. Dum Dum, you are the egsact typ of candydate we are lurking for. Please call me to sot up a persinal interfiew.
This is great! Probably not far off from the truth. Oh don’t get me started talking about “education”….I have witnessed teacher friends grading papers and as long as they “tried” it wasn’t marked wrong. Oh no, have to make them feel GOOD about themselves so that when you graduate them and throw them into society they are a total embarrassment to themselves….shame on our government for putting their noses where the teachers have it handled. Leave them alone and let them teach! We have also received horrible cover letters in our office from applicants. It’s great comic relief!
Yep I hear this a lot. Every kid gets an award just for showing up. I guess there’s a political statement in there somewhere, we all know what it is, but I’ve sworn off politics! In a few generations there won’t be any “embarrassments” because we’ll all be the same.
This is excellent! Reminds me of some horrendous applications I was forced to decipher at a previous job.
Sadly, as I age, the dictionary in my brain does not function nearly as well as in the past. The online spell checker has become my friend. And yes, I spell checked “horrendous”. How sad.
Hi Bliss. ‘Decipher’ is a good word for a lot of stuff I read! Nothing wrong with spellcheckers for the basics…but it’s absolutely not reliable for anything beyond that…uh oh rant coming on, I’ll stop now!
Excellent! Made me laugh…reminds me of the shrry Christmas cake recipe.
Shrry? I love shrry!
OTOH, “manger” = “manager”; how true. As someone said, in typo veritas.
Hi Robert, yes, a trough where cattle feed would describe most managers…they have their masters too. Sh*t flows down. Ugh.
“I am very dispendable and pried myself on being resluts-oriented.” An abstitute screem, And thanx for this piece of lideratur. Wunderfully ritten and funy to!
Ha ha Widl Bill, isn’t it great fnu to play with wrods? It simulates the brain and helps our tourbles temperairly flot awry!
“Resluts-oriented”? Resluts-oriented? Honey, you is gots da job! We been havin’ a right hard time findin’ us any good folks to retrain or retread. Mebbe we give it a try with reslutting and see if that don’t perk our bidness right up.
It sure sounds good that you got bong-term experience. Don’t fergit to bring dat bong!
Just make sure those resluts aren’t too disoriented when you bring them onbroad—though we’re all certainly entiled to a little escarpment now and then!
Oh my gosh, for a second I thought I was stuck in a land of Youtube comments…
Arrrggh, the attack of the neo-sapiens! Hmm, I wonder what that girl who was texting and fell into the fountain (and then sued) at a mall in PA last year was typing?
My guess: a diatribe about backstory thinly disguised in dialogue.
Er, no. Scratch that. It was something about Robsten.
Or perhaps a comparative analysis of the poetry of Melville and Whitman? Nah, you’re right. Robsten or Brangelina.
Your letter brought back some great memories. I lived in Bulgaria for 2 years and Japan for 1 and had the opportunity in both countries to assist non-English native speakers. Their grammar was probably better than mine but their choice of words, spelling and sentence structure was as depicted in your cover letter.
I loved it!
Like trying to follow the assembly instructions on some piece of furniture or whatever made in China. Impossible.
Deer Msrs Lindiviana,,
We oare happy to have you’re amplication buy e-“mail” and want to remined you that the job four with you apllied is four a self-starter wich at least four year’s experients in handuling a dog of at least 100 pounds on the night shift in a gas stacion. You’re resume indicates that you have onely three years experimence in holding such a dog. And, it was, on the day shift. Plus we want someon who can type 55 WPM without missed Takes and with out super vision. we specicificly asked four a team player who will never ask more than minimum wage and will be available for double shifts do too are needs. Next time please amply for a job you are quallified to due.
Hello Raineyview, LOL this is so funny, and I’ll bet you had as much fun writing it as I did reading it!